2014年2月23日星期日

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2014年2月18日星期二

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2014年2月17日星期一

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Beautiful calm driving It keeps catching me off guard.I was making tea, and i thought of us making tea in your kitchen, debating whether putting the milk in first(You don need a teaspoon then)Or after(You can gauge how much to put by the colour)Is better.My mom and i were watching wtos and billy connolly gets on a plane leaving shetland and i remember you working out how much it would cost to fly home as opposed to driving there.Then i think of the ferry, again.I think of your warm, huge hands.I told you that when the wind rushes past the window of my flat it sounds like waves, and i told you that had been making me homesick.You hugged me because you understood, you said that back on the island and i laughed and i said i was from an island too.And we lay there all night, trying to sleep, and i felt safe.I fallen for people before.I also been told no before.I gotten over it.But i gutted by the loss of something that could have been, it this dull ache in my chest.I just trying to put it behind me.It not working very well. Things i did before i left:Drinks and girl/boy problem bitching with tufty, pizzabeerzombieland night in with dan(Followed by a much improved where the wild things are), lunch with Lou and Kate, preChristmas dinner of giant curry and homemade bread with K, C and their respective boys(When i felt single and left out i sat with lula), Sub Rosa with Shannon(Dan didn get in for lack of id)And then(In a bizarre loop to my first party of the summer)That messedup flat where amreet leaving do was.Then i slept through all my alarms and woke up at 1300, unpacked, for a 1600 flight.Nom. This was a great weekend, but the most important thing is that i went to see stars at the oran mor with oj, and then(By virtue of him having engineered there in the past and them not having changed the backstage doorcode in over a year)We ended up hanging out with torquil and various members of the band till the small hours.I have partied with rockstars and their tour manager has emailed me a couple of times to get recommendations for singapore.And the gig, right, was absolutely, fucking, marvellous. So last week was pretty dreadful.After the incident with bicep and my bag and the girls i have no time for it was off to a lousy start, then the chat with a, then the evil flu, then the mess that was my cr and writing it.You get it.And then literally minutes after handing in my cr i dropped my phone down the toilet.I went to the o2 shop to see if there was any chance i was due an upgrade and the(In retrospect very lovely and kind)Boy who served me was from the islands and had a accent, i very nearly burst into tears.I left and went into town to return a couple things to tk maxx and pick things up from patches but i thought i stop in primark:Big mistake.Had a minor panic attack and had to leave in a hurry, showed up on patches doorstep almost in tears again.But i cheered up hanging out with him and his friends, none of whom knew where singapore was and started posting links to yahoo answers:Is singapore in china on my wall.Then i went to blawan with shannon everyone else was going to pressure, and fuck spending 20 quid to stand in the arches for six hours.Yuck.Afterwards i somehow ended up at bank st with the boys, expecting a quiet one, but it turned into a party.I left late afternoon saturday, went home and slowcooked a curry, had a shower, then went to uboats to go see mosca.So we did.And oj texted me asking what we were doing after, and could they come, so i told the boys, can my brother come trust me, you love him.The party was great, finlay seemed very comfortable having total strangers in his very nice flat.At some point graeme and i decided to tie our legs together with my scarf and threeleggedrace around the place.We also sat on oj and callum shoulders.Sandy and i fell asleep, and when i woke up there were about fifteen people in oj room and there was a party on.My powers of sleepingthroughthings, are unrivalled.At about seven oj threw himself at the floor, rolled over like a puppy and went to sleep, but he woke up when richard and i made a poor attempt at picking him up and putting him in bed.So he put some trousers on and came to the stars gig with me.We went in and had a beer and i realised that will dreger had never given back my disposable camera, and oj yelled, asian tourist!, so I sprinted off to Boots to buy a new one.While i was gone oj did a sneaky and bought me a pillowcase that says tell me how i sleep, tell me how i wake up, tell me how i dream and very proudly presented it to me when i got back.Amy fistbumped me during walls as i held up my pillowcase.They sang one more night and the 400 for an encore, and i very nearly cried.Torq said take me to the riot was about the road just outside, and that soft revolution was a good song for scotland.He also does a great glaswegian accent, turns out his family are scottish.I sat on the sofa with callum and stevo and passed out, next thing i knew oj was picking me up, saying he had no idea how but he come to in a close in a block of flats up by naked soup.It still a mystery.I stayed over and slept till late because i felt like a headache on legs.Hung out with the boys, watched some movies, was relieved to discover that my interview the following day required no prep.Left at about 0200 after falling asleep several times in sandy room as they played football manager.Walked with callum to bbq kings and, as we parted ways, promptly fell on my ass in the icedeathtrap that is great western road. All in all, right, a fucking fantastic last weekend.I could not have asked for more. From when i sitting i can see the tiny lights of cars leaving glasgow.It not as though i have any notion of which way north is, but i imagine they are driving somewhere colder, somewhere darker and more heathered than this tired city.Somewhere without tenements, without pleading flower sellers and preemptive, plastic christmas decorations. And i don know if it fog or cloud or some kind of radiolike interference but the distant streetlights, all clustered on the horizon, they tremble with an almost galactic instablility.I read as a child that only stars twinkle:A constant light in the sky must be a planet, or a satellite, because there aren enough lightyears between us to create that ancient shimmer.Time has to pass and light must travel before things can become that beautiful. Without warning i imagine you on the ferry home, and the northern storms you told me about.I remember the letter i plan to write you at christmas, and with filmlike clarity and equally cinematic melodrama suddenly fear you could drown before i ever tell you how i feel.Everything i should have said, neatly packaged and airmail stamped at the door of a flat you will never return to. Then i look up at the lights again but the motorway must have quietened, because i can no longer make out the lines of fleeing traffic. Here is what really happened.You would rather take your friends side when you can see perfectly well that the situation was not what they presume it to be(Even though they should probably know better).Even though you heard my side of the story.Even though you said yourself, i nice.I fucking nice.And even though you can see perfectly well that the last thing i need right now is more of their petty bullying.So you a coward, and instead of me why i not good enough, i went back to tell you that no we are not still friends.Things are not all okay, just you said, oh i can only apologise.I don know what i want from you.But i not an idiot.Of course you not going to suddenly change your mind.But i said my piece and it didn work so you know what, you missing out.And one day you will come home from work and turn on the tv and it will hit you like a train that you miss me.Because at risk of being the crazy girl who shows up on your doorstep twice:If i hadn i would have been angry and run over it time and time again in my head.And i would have waited for another chance to tell you that you hurt me.And because i know what you like, i know that chance would never come round and i would sit here blaming myself and wasting my life, missing you.What a weight off my chest.Later, alex.This is your loss. A little pop psychology:As an only child i never had to compete for love and attention from my parents.It probably why i get jealous of the friends my mother likes, even as i take offence at the ones she dismisses out of hand.So maybe i am drawn to people whose love i feel i must chase and acquire.I spent a lot of today wishing i would wake up from the terrible dream.The reality is of course that i not asleep.And also i again hopelessly overestimated the depth of our connection, with that pathetic blind hope i am so skilled at building up in my head.Because i starting to worry i did something wrong if i did then i wish you just tell me.If i didn not replying is rude, and since i insecure by nature it incredibly inconsiderate of you.It making me so fucking nervous and paranoid.It such a.Teenagedgirlreaction way to behave:I don care how introverted you are, it no excuse for ignoring me.I woke up when my phone rang and the nightmare was so awful i was actually relieved someone was calling at four in the morning to look for a party.And then i lay there for hours wishing i wasn alone.I feel so ill today.I could really use a hand. 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Thursday the department took us to aberfoyle to climb trees and stuff.I made my presentation on lucid dreaming with the girls on the first day, which was a relief to get out of the way.I spent the night beforehand dressed as aquafresh, procrastinating and talking to jason till five in the morning, because having insomniac friends means youe never truly alone.I watched adam.And did virtually no work on my presentation:The moment i started(Sometime around 0430)My hp finally gave up the ghost and the screen went almost totally white.You can still see, kind of, but not well enough to use it practically. So on 45 minutes sleep i skyped mamma, got really snarky and then went to the library to spend half an hour cobbling together slides to print out.I wouldn be able to use the ohp(Ikr, ohp!? )Because i missed the final cr meeting where mr g had printed them out for us.I wrote notes on the bus, feeling ill, where r and i bitched about the girls sitting behind us.But we got there, did the presentation, and i if youl pardon me fucking owned it.Two people i didn know and one of the girls in my group came over to tell me how good i was.As they say, well chuffed.Night line, problem solving and tree climbing.Twelve metres off the ground.Check me.And then a huge dinner i ate mine then r and a leftovers.Had a nap then went to the party, we came second in the pub quiz and then started dancing to the sounds of the worst dj in the world.It was fun till everyone else was wasted and every surface was sticky, and i just wanted to go to bed.Had a lovely chat with the girl in the bunk below mine;I made us chamomile tea.Crashed before everyone else got back, slept exhausted and happy in a seriously comfortable bunk bed.The next day saw me and my group trying not to fall asleep too obviously at the back of the second round of presentations, then more climbing in a very muddy forest.I was thrilled because yeah, okay, it was absolutely horribly freezing but i don't do enough outdoorsy things any more.It helped with the overwhelming homesickness i've been feeling.Got on the bus, slept all the way home. Discovered a source of money and went out to sbtrkt for becca birthday.Bumped into the ruthven st boys, plus tom and conor and beccy, so bounced around between groups and didn dance enough.Went to the unit after, where i may have somewhat upset s.Left around seven, stayed at t and c, slept most of the day.Went by uboat on the way home to pick up some things from hallowen and spent a couple hours criticising the mobos and harassing the heron.Fun. F agreed berkeley suite was a good idea(I kept my reasons to myself)But by the time i got there ginge had gotten kicked out so i stayed with their friends.And then, totally unexpectedly, aw comes over out of nowhere and says hi.Wee hardly spoken over the last two weeks.He there with two friends, alex and dan and i hit it right off with a.So we all leave together and go to mine to pick up a bottle to take to a party, at which point i realise everyone knows and i the bitch who.Whenever wee talking a comes to check that wee, as ksl would say, letting the light pass through.And it wasn that he told him about me, it was that it been going around.And he recognised me in the berkeley suite from facebook.I guess it was naive to expect anything else, but god almighty, why do people do these things.Why did i?But the party was fun.Lots of.Then some of the people from there, and i, went back to a by this point i a whole three degrees of separation from my own group of friends.But they were nice, and the music was excellent, and six hundred years passed because some things are awfully(And this is not a word i ever have thought to use, it such a mamma word,)Moreish.I crashed out and people left at about five.A woke me at eight and made us tea. 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